(Topic: Grief vs. holidays)
Today is the day before Mother’s Day, and I’m nervous. I’m nervous about being invisible, I’m nervous about being too visible, I’m nervous about doing it without kids, I’m nervous about crying, I’m nervous about being recognized in church and getting emotional.
Invisible, because without a child in tow, no-one would know I’m a mom, unless I’d told them. I’m invisible unless I tell my story, because even Pookie is just a teddy until he has context and a backstory.
Too visible, because while I want to participate – because I am a mom! – I still don’t want to make waves of awkward as I do it. I want to be a mom and have people just let it be true.
Doing it without kids, because the visible children are what people are used to, what they believe. There are lots of invisible moms out there, though. Those who have struggled with early losses, too, not just late loss like mine. Please understand that, while our experience is different, we still mother our children by keeping their memory fresh.
Crying, because it is overwhelming to see so many visible moms being held up as wonderful – and they really are wonderful – it’s just not all there is to being a mom, and often loss mamas get left out.
I’m sure I’ll get emotional, and I won’t let that stand in the way of any kind of recognition that happens that day, but I still get nervous about it. But I’ll stand up: for my Charlie, and for me, and for all the invisible mamas that don’t want to make waves of awkward or stand up without a child. But I see you sitting there, and I’ll stand up for you, my friend.
Sending love out to all the invisible mamas. Love to you on mother’s day, because you are one.
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